Give A Little Whistle
by Kaci Colton
Summary: Everyday should be like a musical, I think. I guess Ed and Roy will have to settle for my playlist.
1. If You Feel Better

Song: If You Feel Better

Artist: Emilie Autumn

Rating: Hard R

Warning: VERY SENSITIVE MATERIAL!! Also, curing is involved. Spoilers from the anime and the manga.

Author's Note: **Pedophilia is not something I take lightly, so this is kind of a heavy piece. Please, if you or anyone you know is a victim of any kind of pedophilia then tell someone who can help you. **Also, I should have been studying for my Psych finals, so appreciate. Fluffy!Roy, Angry!Ed, and Sage!Hawkeye. If you have a song you want me to do, then let me know! Have something else you want me to set to music, let me know, and I'll see if I know it!

---

_If you feel better telling me I'm cruel. Saying I'm unfeeling, I don't mind._

It was supposed happened like it did every single day. Edward would kick open the door with an abruptness like it had done him some grievous personal offence. Then, in one fluid motion, he'd take one step, swivel on that foot, and kick the door shut. He'd then throw the papers down onto Roy's desk and glower at them, and then him. He'd wave his hand, muttering some sort of vague summary of his handy work, which would no doubt result in twenty times the paperwork for Roy.

Today, however, Ed slammed the door open with his whole body. It shook the frames on their walls and Roy down to his bones. Very rarely was he ever caught off guard, but the wild, frightened, absolutely _passionate_ look in Ed's eyes scared him. It was enough, even, to command his full attention.

"You lied."

"Pardon," Roy asked, sincerely wondering what on earth he could have been lying about.

"You lied. You ass hole you _lied to me_," Ed hissed as he threw the file at him, sending a flurry of papers everywhere.

"How did I lie, I fail to understand," Roy rubbed his temples and sighed, letting the concern fade from his voice. Ed was just going to ramble and rage now. It was what he did.

"You don't even care that you lied to me, do you? You say I'm not fodder, but that's a lie too isn't it! You've got so many lies woven around you, that you don't even know how to see anymore, isn't that right?" Ed's voice was beginning to grow from his high-pitched whine to a low, slightly intimidating growl. Roy only stared back at him, keeping his usual façade of professional concern on his face.

"Fullmetal, you will not speak to me like that."

"It must not even compute for you how many people you hurt," he went on, "you _never_ cared."

This was just like Ed. He didn't speak, he didn't think. He yelled, and he raged, and he surged against everything. He took every negative feeling that might be construed as a weakness and molded and shaped it into anger. And it made him feel better. So Roy didn't mind.

_If it's necessary, if it helps you out, crying that I'm heartless, it's alright._

"What I wanna know is how."

"How what, Fullmetal," Roy asked with a sigh, leaning in as Ed did over his desk.

"How do you manipulate like you do, and then go home and sleep at night."

"Quite peacefully, actually," he remarked with a smile, and sat back as Ed grew angrier.

"There must be a black hole in your chest."

"You of all people know that's very improbable."

"Just inhaling everything that might show a little decency and spitting it out god knows where."

"Do you feel better?" Ed was silent for a while before he straightened again and glared. Roy looked back calmly into noxious yellow eyes. Ed was now running on empty, being angry for the sake of being angry. The good thing about his rage was that it was short lived. Like a wild fire, it burned bright and hard, but only for a moment.

It made him feel better. Roy didn't mind.

"You lied."

"So I've noticed. But I still have no idea about what."

There was silence, and Ed turned his gaze to the floor, a bit to his left. His voice ducked down to a level so low, Roy had to strain his ears to hear.

"There were children involved, you bastard. They can't have been much older than eight, and they were being seduced into that laboratory."

_And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain, and I'm sorry to bring you down again._

Roy stopped breathing. Alchemy was powerful; probably the second most powerful act in the universe. Of course, the only more powerful act was sex. To see someone in such an incoherent and vulnerable state took an inhuman amount of trust, and most of the time it was just a struggle for dominance; a show of just how powerful you were. It was unwise to mix the two, and amn near forbidden to throw children into the mix with them.

"I had no idea," Roy said in the same, level tone, struggling to keep the disgust out of his voice. He knew that Ed would construe it as disgust for his reaction.

"Bull shit, I know you knew, you know everything, you always do. Ever since I was a kid, I've been doing your dirty work."

"Believe me Ed, if I'd known what was going on, I would have just sent down a firing squad."

"Don't _lie to me Mustang_. Not right now."

"I'm not lying, and I wasn't when I sent you down. Stop being such a child and just listen to me."

"I'm not a child, Mustang, but _they were_!"

"I realize that Ed, and you brought him down. That's all that matters."

"I couldn't even save one life, not one!"

"What about the rest of the children in the town?"

"I watched one! I watched him take one. It was just a little boy, Mustang. He didn't even finish when he was alive! He killed the kid before he was done!"

Roy's stomach twisted and writhed in something between horror and disgust. How can any one human being be so supremely evil that they'd resort to doing that to a child? He'd seen so many horrors in his life time, as Ed had, and yet, it seemed that neither of them could even fathom.

"Fullmetal, I am sorry, whether you chose to believ me or not."

_'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore._

Again, Edward spat profanities and tried to rein his feelings back into anger. Roy had learned long before that it was all Ed knew how to cope with. Perhaps sorrow, devastation, and helplessness were far too raw for Ed, and chaffed him. Perhaps their unadulterated intensity scared him. Maybe the sheer force of their passion left him shocked, and unable to keep up.

Whatever the reason, Roy simply accepted it as universal law. Ed was an angry child. He got angry easily, and his rage was short lived. He sat back and took his tantrums in stride. This was another one of his spells. Yes, the wounds ran deep this time, but his temper would die down very soon. He was done trying to rage against Ed.

_I don't know what you really want from me._

"What do you have to say for yourself? Or are you just going to sit there and watch me." Roy stayed silent, trying to find the words.

"I have no need to say anything. I sent you on a mission to find out why local shops were missing produce and supplies. The rabbit hole, as it were, was much, much, _much_, deeper than anyone could have ever expected. You witnessed something truly awful, something no one should ever have to witness. I _am_ sorry. And I did _not_ lie to you."

"How can I believe you? Ever since I was a kid you…"

"I remember you telling me something like that just a few moments ago yes. I won't deny any knowledge of certain scenarios. My rank offers me unique insight into the inner workings of certain situations – "

"Shut the hell up, just shut the hell up!"

"You just asked me what I had to say for myself, and when I try and do so, you tell me to be quiet, Fullmetal, make up your mind."

_But I don't fit in your reality._

There was silence for a long stretch of time as Ed seemed to weight the words in his mind. He was rash, but he wasn't stupid. Finally, she spat, "don't try and manipulate me, you slimy bastard, not now."

"I'm not manipulating, Edward, really, I'm not. I'm trying to find out why you're directing your aggressions at me."

"It's because you're a lying, conniving, slimy son of a bitch."

"You keep coming back to that like it's your only real point."

"Surly your _unique insight into certain_ situations lent you some sort of glimpse into what was going on."

_How can any man be so blind?_

"You're deluding yourself. It was not at all that way I assure you." Why was it so hard for Ed to see that Roy was being sincere? Surely he was not such a supremely horrible human being that he could not be seen as honest.

_But if you feel better, I don't mind._

Ed was fizzling out. Slowly but surely, he was beginning to realize that he was running on empty. After that he'd free fall into his teenage sulking. He'd lie in his own guilt for a few hours, and then he'd be back to his normal self. He'd brood and bitch, and call Roy a bastard, but he'd feel better. And Roy didn't mind.

_If you feel safer keeping to yourself, Placing trust in no one, I won't cry.  
_Edward Elric was the king of all sulkers. Heaven knew he could sulk for days – weeks – at a time before he was roused from his self-induced stupor. It was part of the famous Elric Guilt Complex; something his brother suffered from – though a much lesser degree. And it hurt everyone around him, whether he knew it did or not.

What hurt wasn't when he'd suddenly snap and rage and rant. It wasn't that his temper was so combustible that if someone breathed on him wrong he'd lose it. What really hurt was that he didn't walk around with a raincloud over his head. When he was upset… really upset… he'd shove it down into himself, and share it with no one. Not even his brother.

As the young man stomped out of his office, running on anger feined for the sake of his pride, Roy wondered why it was he did that. Most people liked to wallow in self pity for at least a few hours after something has gone wrong. But the point of that was to let it show, and to gain pity from others. While one may not admit it, they do wish for pity; proof that people care. Ed seemed to genuinly _not want pity_.

Roy glanced with a wince at the report that no doubt held none of the passion – or perhaps ten fold as much – that Ed exhibitted here today. He really didn't mean to send Ed on that mission. If he'd known what that entailed he would have sent down someone with a licence to kill. Breda or Hawkeye. But not Ed, never Ed.

Ed had enough to deal with. He was still suffering the loss of his mother, even though he was a child when that happened. He was still suffering the loss of his little brother, even though he was flesh and bone once more. He was still suffering the loss of Nina, even though that was years and years ago. He was still suffering the loss of Maes, even though he had about as much to do with that as he did the creation of the sun.

There was only so much a human spirit could take before it broke. Roy felt weak compared to what Ed could handle. After Ishbal, Roy was just a shadow for a good several years. Even then it showed, he never hid it. Ed suffered a thousand times that, and only once, when the wind blew just right, when the light shown just so, when Ed felt a certain something at the exact moment, did you ever think that something might be hurting him.

But why didn't he even trust his brother with that pain? Or maybe someone older?

_Like me…_

Roy shoved the though aside and signed his name at the bottom of the report. He'd heard enough form Fullmetal, the thought of learning anything more made him physically ill. He placed it in the tray for Hawkeye to take to someone above him and twiddled his pencil. By 4:30 the clock seemed to break down and just stop.

He glanced at at the report again before he picked up the phone.

_If it calms your conscience, making me the guilty one,_

By five the sun had poked it's head out for the last little bit of mid summer daylight. Roy shielded his eyes and turned towards home. A flash a gold made him stop. Hawkeye stared him down.

"Something has been keeping you form your work today, and it's not just your nomal inability to focus." Nice to see you too, lieutenant. Tell me, what are your plans for this evening? Me, I have none. Did this woman not understand the concept of small talk?

"Edward… wasn't himself today."

"It's possible the whole wing noticed, sir." Roy smiled despite himself. Yes, the young man could let the pitch of his voice go unnoticed.

"On his mission… it was just supposed to be a simple investigatory mission… he encountered… not only an alchemist… but a pedophile as well." He noticed Hawkeye stiffened just a touch and fall out of step. She recovered flawlessly, however.

"I take it you made a phone call?"

"If I can't go down and burn the bastard myself, then I'm letting General Gale know."

"General Gale, sir?"

"He has two girls of his own, and is better connected. I know this will hit home for him, and if Ed hasn't already killed that son of a bitch, Gale will find a way to do it himself without reprecussions." Hawkeye only nodded.

"Sir?"

"Yes Hawkeye?"

"If I may be so bold… what Edward said about it being your fault… you know that's not true, right?"

Roy nodded and scrubbed a hand through his hair.

"Of course I do. But Edward can't – I mean he _cannot_– suffer anymore than he already has. People need space goats to help them sleep. I am Ed's in this instance. It's symbiotic, you see. Someday Edward will be my scape goat. And he will hate me for it and use me once more."

"It seems a bit unhealthy, sir."

"Why mess with a relationship that works, correct? This quid pro quo, I expect, keeps Ed from jumping over my desk and transmuting said desk around me."

"I suppose, just as long as you're happy."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yes sir?"

"If I may be so bold… why are you following me home?"

"It always hurts when a love interest treats one like that. I'm came to make sure you don't do anything stupid."

"L – "

"Edward's growing up has not gone unnoticed. We all feel we've had a hand in his new-found adulthood," her smugness did not escape Roy, "and we're all proud, insanely so, of what he's accomplished. Not because he's part of the command… but because he's a working part of all of our lives.

"You, however, have noticed his fruition with more than familial interest. Whether you know it or not, what has transpired between you the past few months has been a very tentative sort of trust."

Roy considered that. Perhaps… to an extent… his usual calm exterior was just a way of keeping the status quo now. He was not genuinely trying to make Ed actually _do_ anything. Ed's insults also seemed to be fired on auto pilot.

"But how – "

"Why do you think he was more than a little upset this time when he thought you lied to him? Edward feels things with an intensity that scares him. That trust that you didn't notice, he did. He felt betrayed."

"But I didn't know, Riza."

"I know Roy, and so does Ed. But it's like you said, it makes him feel better, and that's alright."

_Take my reputation, ain't worth much, and it's alright._

But it wasn't alright. Roy stared at the empty fireplace and knew that it wasn't alright. It was alright for Ed to use Roy to feel better. It was alright to use Roy period. Roy could take it. And it wasn't like he didn't use other people. He was very aware of how he treated others. He was not surprised when people fought back and turned tables.

What wasn't alright was for Ed to feel so… lost. Roy wanted to draw a map for Ed, lead him back to where he needed to be. He wanted to put a flashlight in his hands and point the way for him. He wanted to steer him through this with hands on his shoulders. He wanted to draw a giant X on his chest and scream _shoot me, just please feel better_.

Roy rubbed under the eye patch for a moment – an unconscious gesture – and sighed into his palm. He wanted Ed here, with him, right now. He wanted Ed to cry, just a little, to try and take some of the pressure off of his shoulders. He wanted to wrap a blanket around Ed's shoulders and let him bury himself into its folds. He wanted to lose himself in those folds to.

Roy wanted to fold Ed into his arms and never let him go. He wanted to lay his face against Ed's hair while Ed sobbed into his chest. He wanted to draw small circles on his back to stop the hiccupping. He wanted to promise Ed that nothing like that would ever hurt him. HE wanted to just lie there, next to the couch, and fall asleep while Ed reined himself into something like control.

Roy wanted to be there for him. He wanted to be there for Edward so much that it hurt. It pulled at the morrows of his bones. Somewhere Ed was suffering, and he didn't let it show to anyone, and it damn near crushed Roy. That scared him more than anything.

Maybe he did have some semblance of an inkling of what had happened before Riza had mentioned it. But like so many things in the lives of people, it takes someone pointing it out for something so painfully obvious that the whole damn world can see it to become visible to someone. Somehow, her saying out loud that Roy did, in fact, care about Ed more than was professionally acceptable, made it alright.

Damn it all. Ed could take whatever he wanted. His name, his reputation, _himself_, and drag it through the mud. Edward could use him for so much more than a scapegoat, and he wouldn't mind. If only because he'd feel better, and that was all right.

_And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain, and I'm sorry to bring you down again._

Roy could sleep through anything. Even when he walked like death he slept soundly. He never dreamed, or at least he never remembered them. This was no different. His alarm went off at a time no sane human being should have been up and he calmly raised a hand and flipped it off.

He shouldn't have been so relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with Ed that day. But he was. Perhaps it was because Roy had escaped that brooding, silent young man, still very much a child, punishing himself, yet again, for something that truly was not his fault. Perhaps it was because, now brought to the fore front of his mind, Roy could not get rid of the undeniable need to wrap him up into himself and use his body as a shield against anything that would ever dare even _look_ at Ed in the wrong way.

Roy always knew everything about what was going on during the missions that he sent his people on. He made it a point to do his research before he sent them. He made sure they were in no danger, none that he knew they couldn't handle. He was _sure_beyond any shadow of a doubt that if he had known about what was going on down there that he would never have _ever_ sent Edward.

He laughed ruefully at the thought. Ed would rage again at that. Edward was not a child; that much was evident. And yet he felt the need to scream it whenever it may have come into dispute. He was not something to be protected. He was perfectly capable of taking care of himself, and anyone else that came along, thank you very much.

The water from the tap did its magic, chasing away some of the fatigue that still lingered after his alarm clock had nudged him out of his sleep. He would stagger down into his kitchen with some semblance of grace and fully become human when and only when he'd had his first cup of coffee. By the third he'd be ready to face the world beyond his living room.

Finally, the bleary film of sleep left his eyes and he sighed into his mug. Oh, come on, that's lovely, he thought. The first rays of light were just making themselves known, and painted the kitchen a blue-grey. Roy sighed in general contentment. The wee hours of the morning always brought with them a delightfully sleepy silence.

And Roy had no doubt that beyond his little sanctuary Edward still lived in his own world of self educed misery. He poured himself a second cup and rubbed his eyes. He _was_ sorry for what Ed had gone through, and he shouldn't have felt so responsible, but he did. The last bit of coffee he poured into a thermos and drained his own mug.

_Cause I really am and I won't fight anymore._

It had been what felt like a life time since he'd been to the barracks, but he found his way around regardless. With a strange sense of nostalgia he passed by his own old dormitory. He slowed down just a step and smiled despite himself. It had been hell living there, but it was his own hell, and perhaps everyone feels a certain sense of comfort in that.

There was bumping around in the room, muttered apologies, and whispered curses. Finally the door opened and Ed blearily glared up at him.

"What do you want now?"

"Oh, hello, Colonel, what bring you here?"

Roy handed Edward the still hot coffee who just looked at the thermos like it was a bomb. He took the cap off and sniffed the liquid inside. Carefully he lifted it to his lips, keeping eye contact with Roy as he drank.

"Can I come in, please," Roy asked with a smirk. Al gently prodded his brother aside with a grin.

"Brother, don't be rude. Please come in Colonel. I'm going to shower; I'll be out in a minute."

Roy nodded and looked around at the bare walls for a moment before his eyes came to rest on Ed, who was greedily drinking the coffee he'd previously suspected as a murder attempt.

"God, that's so much better than the crap they serve down in the canteen," he sighed, holding the thermos close to his face in an attempt to keep warm. Roy knew the blankets were little better than half-ply tissue paper. He wanted to take off his jacket and throw it around Ed's shoulders, holding him and the thermos close to himself.

"I thought you could use a sort of pick-me-up this morning." Ed opened his eyes to glare, now far more awake, at Roy. Funny thing was that as soon as the words left Roy's lips he wanted to shove them and his foot right down his throat.

"I don't need your charity," he spat, shoving the thermos back at Roy.

"It's not charity," Roy sighed, setting the thermos down on the little dresser that was, do doubt, empty, since Ed lived out of his suitcase.

"Then what is it?"

"It's… an apology. I shouldn't have sent you down there. There were others who were just as, if not more capable. I don't know what made me send you." Ed was silent and Roy went on.

"I have been using you, as you have said, from the very beginning, just as I used you on your last mission. You have no reason to believe me now, thought I truly hope that you do, when I say that I am sorry. A very fragile trust has arisen between us, as of late, and I truly wish to see that trust grow into a friendship. Please, forgive me for my behavior."

"So you admit to what you did," Ed murmured, running a finger along his lips.

"Yes."

_I don't know what you really want from me._

Ed glared at him harder than before and threw the thermos at him, which only bounced off of his chest, bruising only his pride.

"You just keep lying to me." Roy sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"When I tell the truth you get mad at me, when I say what you want to hear, you get mad at me. What is it I can do?"

"Since when do you care about what I think about you," Ed spat, yanking on his leather trousers. Roy had no answer for that. He stooped down and picked up his thermos, setting it back on the dresser it had been resting on before Ed tried to bludgeon him with it.

"You can't even answer me," Ed hissed, pulling the collar on his vest tight in his agitation.

"No, I can't," Roy conceded, handing the red jacket over from the foot of the bed. Ed snatched it and regarded Roy carefully. He tugged the hem of the sleeves over the cuffs of his gloves with unnecessary interest, picking away loose threads and inspecting the hem for rips.

"You always have something to say," he finally said finally. Roy only smiled and shrugged.

"There's a first time for everything."

"Why don't you?"

"I don't know what to say to make – " he stopped short, pushing his hands into his pockets. He turned, grabbed his thermos, and walked out.

_But I don't fit in your reality._

What had Roy really expected to accomplish in going over to Ed's dorm anyway? It wasn't like he was likely to find him broken and in tears, desperate for someone to guide him out. It was foolish to expect anything less than what he had gotten.

I don't know what to say to make it better for you. He almost said it. The thought hadn't even cleared Roy's mind before he tumbled half-way off his lips. He didn't doubt for a second that the sincerity in his words would cause another rise out of Ed. He didn't function well with pity, or what he may construe as pity.

Ed was correct about 99% of what he had said. Roy had spent the better part of his time with Ed manipulating and using him. He had no reason to believe him now. Even back in Ed's room, he was lying through his teeth to maybe try and regain some of that trust he didn't even know he had until it was too.

Was it really considered lying when someone was saying something someone else wanted to hear? The military did it all the time, and while Roy didn't approve of it, he never really thought of it as straight out lying. It was more of a candy coating, a sort of babying maneuver, to try and keep the public under control.

Ah, but there it was. Ed didn't need candy coated anything. He'd swallow the horse pill straight, staring you in the eye. Ed detested being treated as anything less than what he was; a young man. You stood a better chance of controlling the tides, the winds, and the sun than you did of controlling Edward.

_How can any man be so blind?_

He sat back in a sort of shock at his own realization. Edward was not a political move he had to try and out think. He was not the enemy he had to try and take down. He was not an obstacle he had to try and conquer. He was a young man. A young mad he'd watched grow up. A young man who would no doubt come into his manhood in the stunning blaze he usually came into things in.

And he deserved to be treated as such, especially since he'd finally – _finally –_ opened himself up. The way Ed came into his office yesterday with the blazing fury of a lover crossed; the way he knew, somehow, that Roy was behind his door, and had a glare prepared, if only for pretenses; the way he drank the coffee he'd been offered, and finished it with the slightest of satisfied smiles; the way he threw the thermos at Roy as hard as he could when he lied, yet again… Roy had never before missed something so huge and glaringly obvious. Maybe, just maybe, Roy's affections weren't one sided.

This truly was too much for him to handle. It was one huge realization after another, and Roy was just, positively fed up with it all. So fed up, as a matter of fact, that he picked up his pen and a report to clear his head.

_But if you feel better, I don't mind._

"Sir, not that I particularly mind this sudden increase in your work today, might I ask what caused it?"

Roy looked up from his paper and shrugged.

"I suppose… I just needed something to occupy my time." Hawkeye only nodded and removed a stack of papers from his desk.

"As long as you feel better, sir," she sighed, closing the door behind her.

_Won't make me sorry 'cause I'm cruel._

"What do you want now," Ed demanded, leaning on the door to his room. Over his shoulder Al grinned. Roy gave him a small wave and smiled at Ed.

"Please, walk with me," he chirped, turning to walk away from the door. He knew this was a deliberate attack on Ed's pride, and he knew Ed would follow him, if only to reaffirm that he was not a dog to be ordered. And he did.

"What is it you want," he asked again. Roy only smiled down at him and shrugged. Ed stopped in his tracks, causing Roy to turn around at the stairwell.

"Come along Fullmetal," he chirped again, holding the door open for him. Ed yanked the door out of his grip and trudged down the stairs. Roy smiled as the blond head bobbed down the stairs before him.

Once out in the humid heat of the night Roy finally spoke.

"I… realize that I haven't been behaving my best, as of late." Ed only snorted, though the confirmation from Roy's mouth took a big part of the acidity. Roy looked down at Ed and sighed.

"I shouldn't have lied to you this morning. All these years of knowing you, and I should know that you are more than capable of picking yourself up. You don't need to be coddled. I'm sorry." Ed gave his equivalence of an acceptance, which was just a snort. Roy continued.

"You believe me when I tell you that I truly… truly did not know what was going on when I sent you down there, right?" Ed snorted again.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was just in such a rotten state that I needed to pin this on _someone_ I could take it out on?" Roy considered this, and it made sense, in a twisted Ed sort of way. He nodded and smiled.

"So you're not a manipulative bastard."

"Thank you, coming from you, that means so much."

_Won't hurt the feelings I don't have._

"I knew you could take it. It's not like you've never been called that before."

"That and worse," Roy conceded. Ed only chuckled from his side.

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"I don't really know. Is there somewhere you want to go?"

"I could go for some ice cream," Ed grinned, "your treat?"

"My treat?"

"It's the least you can do, after the way you treated me."

_Won't break the heart that isn't there you'll find._

"The way I treated you," Roy mused with a smile, turning up the street to head towards the ice cream parlor.

"What are you, a fucking parrot? Yes, the way you treated me," Ed laughed.

"You expect me to by you something when you treat me like that?"

"Oh, you don't care," Ed snorted, the bell above him ringing their entrance into the harshly lit parlor.

_But if you feel better,_

Roy didn't order anything, he wasn't hungry. He just sat back in his chair with a small smile, watching Ed casually lick his spoon free of every last streak of ice cream before he went back in for another bite.

"What do you want, creeper?"

"You seem quick to insult someone who just gave into what you wanted." Ed only shrugged and continued licking his spoon. It was an innocent enough gesture, and for the moment, Roy was content to just watch with a smile and adore it as just that.

_Telling me I'm cruel,_

They walked back to Ed's dorm in comfortable silence. The summer night lay on the couple like a wool blanket. Roy had his jacket slung over his shoulder and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. It was a short walk, though the humidity ensured they had a rather healthy sheen of sweat when they got back.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, Fullmetal," Roy said with a smile. Ed looked up at him with his lips flattened into a line.

"You're a bastard." Roy sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. It took him a moment to hear the words and their real meaning. He smirked down at Ed, who glared back up.

"What is it? I walked you back to your apartment, as is customary. The first kiss is acceptable normally on the third date, and I never take a partner to bed before six months of dedicated relations." Ed's blush was ferocious and he puffed out his chest.

"I'm not a girl god damn it," he spat. Roy smiled and reached out for Ed's hand.

"I know you're not."

"This wasn't a date."

"I know it wasn't."

"Button your shirt back up."

"I don't think so."

"Bastard."

_Saying I'm unfeeling,_

Third date or not, Ed was not one to be out done. He reached for that infernal open collar and went to do up the buttons. Roy only wrestled them back open. Ed stood back with his arms crossed and huffed.

"And you wonder why I call you a bastard."

"Edward."

Ed turned around in the door of the barracks and smiled gently.

_I don't mind._

"I'm alright."

Roy smiled back and nodded.

_I don't mind._

"So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I have another mission for you, if you're up for it."

"Do I really have a choice?"

"No, no not really."

"Then I guess you already know to answer, don't you."

"I suppose so. Goodnight Edward."

"If you don't mind… Ed, here, now, and anywhere like this… I mean, when we're outside of the office…its Ed."

_I don't mind._


	2. Two Shades of Blue

Song: Two Shades of Blue

Artist: Rod Stewart

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Cursing and heartbreak

Author's Note: **BREAK UP FIC! DO NOT WANT? DO NOT READ! **I know I am being incredibly cruel to Ed in this fic, but it'll get better for him in later fics. I'm not sure if it'll make you cry, but I was sobbing as I wrote this. For the full experience, look up this song and loop it.

---

_ Pack your bags and your radio._

It was absolutely shocking how drastically simple words could change whole lives. Ed had never been a man of few words, but he could appreciate the impact of brevity. He never did master the art himself, however. Maybe if he had he could have retaliated; been quicker instead of just nodding stupidly like he did. Maybe if he weren't a man of so many words he wouldn't be in this position. If he had just kept his mouth _shut_ on so many occasions, he wouldn't be so fed up with him. Maybe…

It was no use Edward reprimanded himself sharply, tossing a few shirts into the suitcase. It's no use to cry over things he couldn't change. It was just no use to cry. Not in this house. Not in this room. He shut his eyes tight and forced himself to keep a hold on it. This room would _never _hold anything but goodness and wonder for him. It wouldn't be a place of heartache. He refused to let it be. He had the whole world to cry in, but these four walls were absolutely _sacred_.

It seemed like every milestone happened in this room. Ed had just left the military, honorable discharge, of course. He stormed over to Roy's house, demanding to know everything. I'm not stupid, he'd raged, you think I didn't notice you staring, Mustang? He could still hear Roy chuckling. What do you want then? It's not a secret that you grew up quite well into an attractive young man. Attraction is a natural, biological reaction, humans cannot control it. It was something about the last words… cannot control it. It struck Edward just right.

Another night Roy was taking far too long to get ready. Ed waited down in the parlor, complaining about how rude it was to keep a caller waiting. It didn't take long for Ed to storm up the stairs, muttering under his breath about what a girl Mustang was being. He stopped short as Roy shut the bathroom door behind him. There was still water clinging to his hair and running down the back of his neck. Black pants and no shirt and something in Ed's mind just went _oh_. Roy smiled and crossed the distance, brushing his lips against Ed's.

If kissing Roy Mustang made Ed stop, then he should have known that sleeping with the man would take him apart completely before putting him together again, better… whole. _Oh… oh… Roy…_

Another shirt and a pair of pants. More underwear and some socks. His boots. He hadn't realized just how many things he had here. Was anything left of Ed's in his own apartment? Unworn clothing he supposed. Imperishable foods, dusty furniture. Out dated newspapers, unread mail, simple, trivial things, really. A fist full of hair ties went into the suit case as well, along with various items scattered about the room. In the bathroom and study he knew there were other things he needed to fetch. He was just pleased Roy was no longer here. That was one of the things that were good about Roy. He never hovered after anything.

"I don't love you…" A simple statement, though Edward's head still spun sickly from the whole smashing realization of it all. It had no trigger, though he couldn't say no warning. Really he had only been playing a waiting game for a few months now. Roy would stay out longer and longer. He'd sit further away from Ed. The silences grew longer and more uncomfortable. It was expected, yes, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

He said what he needed to say. Some would see it as insensitive. Ed knew Roy was giving him the space he needed to comfortably get his things in order and leave. Roy would be back before he left, he had no doubt. He was a decent enough man to see him off, at least. Edward knew that.

_You don't live here anymore._

It was like Roy flipped a switch in his brain. Already the house looked foreign. Even when he first entered the house he was comfortable enough with Roy to know he was safe. Now he was tense as he walked down the small hall to the bathroom to fetch what he needed. But that was just it. This wasn't his house any longer. Ed didn't belong there anymore. It wasn't where he was supposed to be and he felt horribly out of place.

Soap, towel, brush. Even his things looked out of place, like stolen objects, placed where they did not belong. He was jittery, anxious to get packed and out before Roy got back. He felt like a trespasser, eager to get out before he was caught.

Next was the study. Ed had brought over a few of his favorite and most frequented books as well as some arrays he'd been working on. It's not like his things were hard to find among the volumes and volumes of fire alchemy. Ed smiled despite himself. Freak, he thought to himself, fire always has been one of your biggest kinks. Maybe this wasn't the best time to think about things like that, but immersing himself in memories soften the sting for the time being. A few books into the case on top of the notes, to keep them from getting ruined by the transport. The rest he'd carry, it was only a short walk to his apartment. He sighed to himself.

He could still remember, even in the heat of summer, Roy would insist upon firelight. Ed could still hear Roy whispering to him just how stunning he looked in the firelight. He looked over at the empty fireplace in the study. Cut it out, he'd gasp, don't be such a girl. But Ed would soon find that he didn't care, between lips and hands and heat. There was simply no room between touches and kisses.

He smiled wryly at the irony of the memory. He sniffed pathetically and arranged the books into some semblance of order in his arms. He took another look around the room before he left. Only Roy's books left. The way it was meant.

_ Take your time as you walk out that door._

The hallways looked and felt shorter, and within seconds he was standing at the front door, suitcase in hand, ready to walk out the door, out of Roy's life. He sighed shakily and cast his eyes around the front hall a moment. He remembered when he'd visit before he moved in. He'd toss his coat up at the coat rack, not bothering the check if it stayed. It didn't matter. Somewhere in this house his whole life waited for him.

It wasn't uncommon for one of them to instigate something here either. There are numerous times when one of them would just walk through the door, unawares. Within second another mouth was on theirs, hands pleading for something. Ed would probably still find buttons that had been snapped off of shirts in a flurry to remove clothing. He smiled gently at the memories, looking around again, for something.

On that same coat rack hung a long black coat. Roy only ever wore it when it snowed. Still, like the girl he was, Ed reached out for a cuff. Somehow, through the spring and summer, in the dead of autumn, it still smelled like Roy. Soon Ed knew he'd done the wrong thing. Something inside of his snapped and he almost doubled over. He looked around, trying to find something, _anything_ to take his attention. He found it.

_ I don't cry us any long._

It didn't look like Roy had been crying. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe if Ed saw red in Roy's eyes and upon his cheeks he'd lose it himself. Instead the man stood straight, like the solider he was, and thought for a moment. He turned to shut the door, doing so very deliberately, and Ed didn't miss the way he seemed to study the grain with unusual intensity. All Ed could think was god no don't cry. If you cry, then I'll cry. I want to get out of here with some semblance of dignity left. You're not going to take that away from me too.

_ It don't matter what you wear_

"Sorry I… couldn't find anything clean to wear back at my apartment. All my clean clothes were…" He stopped himself. "They were somewhere else." Roy turned to him like he'd just realized that he was there. Ed kicked himself for his pathetic attempt at conversation. Maybe it'd just be best if he had walked past Roy and out the door. Maybe then it'd be slightly less hard to leave.

"Ah, it's fine. You look… good… you look good." It was forced, like Roy didn't want to give the wrong impression. Ed wasn't stupid, and he wasn't going to cling to any positive thing said as a chance to stay. That was just an obligatory response to keep up some decency. And Roy was a decent man. Ed only smiled slightly and nodded his thanks.

"When are you going to stop wearing leather, anyway? You're almost 25." Ed looked down at his pants with unclear eyes. He hadn't even noticed that he was wearing them anymore. He'd only started wearing them again because Roy asked him too. Would you wear leather pants again if I bought them for you? Ed smiled despite himself down at his boots. He'd laughed then, surly he wasn't serious. But Roy showed up home with a pair, insisting Ed put them on right away. They didn't get out of bed all the next day.

"I suppose… tomorrow," Ed sighed. The words didn't sound like much, but they made Ed's breathing stop.

_ It's all over now cry._

Tomorrow he'd go back to the trousers and button up shirts he used to wear. Tomorrow he'd wake up alone in the apartment he hadn't been in for nigh on three years. Tomorrow he'd make his breakfast. Tomorrow he'd go to work and actually work without interruptions, like phone calls or visits, requests for early and extra long lunches. Tomorrow he'd come home to a dark apartment. Tomorrow he'd probably call out for dinner. Tomorrow he'd take a shower. Tomorrow he'd get into bed alone. Tomorrow stretched out forever into the distance. What was Ed going to do with it?

He fought with himself not to think of that. Oh god, anything but that. He looked around the front hall again until his eyes rested back on Roy's face. Oh god he shouldn't have done that.

_ Two shades of blue,_

Ed knew Roy was devastated as well. Perhaps in a different way. He could see it in his eyes, the way they couldn't focus on one thing as they stood in the hallway, awkward silence hanging over them heavily. Roy was a decent man Edward knew, and he wouldn't cause anyone any harm if he couldn't find a way out of it. Ed had no doubt, even now as he wanted to run, and cry, and beg for Roy to let him stay, that these past months Roy had been trying, so very hard, to rekindle his feelings. This was the only way to keep either one from hurting any longer.

"Did you find everything," his voice made Ed's nerves jump. Another thing he loved about Roy. He never spoke in anything but a calm, confident voice. It made it easier for Ed to speak.

"Yeah, no thanks to you, bailing on my like that." Ed forced a laugh that hurt his chest. He fought himself to keep from clasping it. Roy smirked ever so slightly, though Ed couldn't tell why.

"So sorry my life doesn't revolve around you," he chided gently, as though he wasn't sure if it was allowed just yet.

"Replaced already? Ouch." Oh god, please no, not yet. At least let me get out of your house, you bastard.

_ Tangled up in you_

But what did Ed care about Roy's love life now? Ed knew it wasn't his to be concerned with anymore. It was just that the idea of anyone coming as close to Roy as he had… five years. Five god damned years you son of a bitch, how do you just say that you don't love me after five god fucking damned years? You heartless bastard. And as hard as he tried, right now, Ed could not force a single kind thought about Roy into his mind.

Have you already got some slut lined up to take into your bed tonight? Tonight you'll scream and tonight I'll shiver? Tonight you'll touch and be touched, and tonight I'll most likely cry myself sick. Ed didn't like to admit it, he wasn't a girl, but Roy had destroyed him. Perhaps not on purpose… definitely not on purpose. Roy was a decent man. He tried to keep Ed in some semblance on control through the whole break up. But until now… until he came back for his things, they were just taking a break. Ed was coming back, after all his life was in that house.

When are you coming back to get your things? Ed hadn't even thought about it before then. He was able to deal with being willingly away from Roy, so long as parts of him were left in his house, in his life. It never even occurred to him to come and get them.

_ Don't be sad if I say the wrong thing._

"Of course not," the statement took Ed by surprise and he gauged his reaction very carefully, not letting a single ray of hope shine through. He wouldn't be that kind of ex, the kind that hung onto every little thing someone said. He wasn't that useless. Still, he did look up to Roy's face, waiting for more.

"You think I can just throw away five years Edward? That's a huge part of my life. I can't just toss you and everything that happened to the curb like it wasn't. That'll always be with me. Nothing can ever replace that. For the time we were together I did love you. I did, I swear by everything I stand for that I did." He was silent for a long while, his mouth just hanging open. Ed looked away from him and sighed. That wasn't what he needed to hear. It was too easy to misconstrue, too easy to use it as fuel for false hope.

_ I don't lecture any more._

Roy seemed to get the picture. He closed his lips and crossed the distance between the two. Ed wasn't sure what he was supposed to do when Roy put his hands on his shoulders, trying to convey in one touch all of the feelings they both held. Ed felt them all, every single one. He leaned his head down onto one hand, nudging it up onto his face. Roy complied, if only because it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. There was nothing left for the couple to say. Nothing left to talk about. Roy didn't love, and Ed did. Ed would learn not to, though. He'd learn that there would be another, somewhere, somehow, someday. Roy would get on with his life.

_ Take a walk on the wild side now_

"What now, then?" Ed asked, fighting to keep his voice level as he shifted his suitcase and his books from one hand to the other. Roy only shrugged.

"Whatever you want. You're free now." The irony made Ed chuckle darkly. Free. Yeah right. He knew that his mind, his heart, his very _soul_ was held captive right before him. It was locked forever in an embrace of strong, warm arms. It snuggled happily into the embrace Ed would never again feel. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe if he left with no touches, no backward glances, he'd be able to leave with his dignity intact.

"I'm serious. Do what you want. Live the supernova of a life you deserve with someone young enough to keep up with you."

"Is that was this is about," Ed's voice cracked with the question, "age? In the scale of things 14 years doesn't mean shit Mustang. And who said I wanted a supernova anyway? I've had enough running and screaming and adventure for dozens of lifetimes. All I want is…" He stopped himself. All I want is here, before we grew apart. All I want is to love you, Roy, why can't you let me love you?

_ Love don't live here anymore._

He didn't dare speak it. There was no reason to. The hand still on his face gave no hint of the tenderness that he would normally mean as affection. There was no love in that hand. There was no love in the lean of Roy's body. There was no love in the look on his face. Maybe there hadn't been in a while, and Ed only wished there was.

_ I don't worry about no space. _

Ed knew that in this particular situation, there were rules and regulations regarding personal space. Ed gave no heed to these things. He didn't care. For a few, wonderful, precious moment he could close his eyes and pretend like he had all his life to stand here and feel that hand on his face. Don't you dare, he thought, don't you dare try and take that hand away. Not just yet. Just a few more seconds. And Roy was a decent man. Roy knew that he needed this. This was Ed getting over five years of love and care and blessing from somewhere. So Roy didn't mind the rules either. Besides, he was used to bending rules.

_When all is said and done_

_ Two shades of blue_

Ed tried to avoid Roy's eyes, looking instead out the window by the door. Ed had no idea how long he'd been there for, but it was long enough for the sun to set. Again, he smiled despite himself. It seemed he'd been smiling a lot though this whole thing. Maybe that was a blessing.

"What," Roy smiled too, maybe because Ed was smiling; maybe he found something else to smile about.

"I remember, that's all."

"Remember what?" Ed took Roy's hand from his face and held it, just inspecting the palm for a moment before he look up into Roy's eyes again. He shrugged and tossed his hair a little.

"Our first date, it was sunset." Roy knew, somehow, that this wasn't some pathetic attempt to rekindle old fires. He knew, somehow, that Ed was trying to make this easier. Remember everything good about what was and he can leave. Roy smiled again and nodded.

"It was indeed. The first of the summer, if I remember correctly."

"There were colors then, though," Ed murmured, fighting again to cool his eyes down before they began to leak. God damn, he thought, this shouldn't be this hard. I'm not a girl. But he couldn't help but think about how this was the perfect sunset for this moment. Blue. Blue inside, blue outside.

_ Tangled up in you._

Somehow Roy knew Ed needed this. He knew that he needed just once more to be held. Ed had no idea how he knew the things he did. He was just glad that he did. Suddenly Ed's face was pressed against the cool cloth of Roy's shirt. It was getting cooler again, he could tell. That might do well for his heating face. It'd get rid of the flush before he got home. Al was already upset enough; he didn't need to see Ed crying.

Al wasn't mad at anyone in particular. He was mad at the circumstances. He was mad at what happened. And Ed himself found himself in the same emotional dilemma. Roy was a decent man. He did what he thought was best. He knew that it would only hurt more the longer he put it off. But before he did anything he made sure he had all of his affairs in order. He made damn sure he knew what he was doing. He was a decent man. That was what decent men did.

_ Slow down honey by that door_

Ed's hand hovered over the door knob for a moment before he dropped it again. He suddenly noticed what, exactly, was so interesting about the grain of the door Roy had just been staring at.

"This is what you want then?"

"Edward, don't be like that – "

"No, I'm serious. Make sure this is what you want. Because if I walk out now… I'm not coming back." Edward lied. He lied through his teeth. He knew that all Roy had to do was beckon and Edward would be back at his heel like a dog. That was what love did to someone. It made them slaves. Equivalent exchange. You give someone your heart, then you lose your dignity. But for that short… short time… you've got your own little slice of heaven. Well damn it, if he's already lost his dignity, might as well make one last ditch effort to hang around like the puppy he was.

"You haven't eaten yet?"

Roy was silent.

"I could make you something… I'm not much of a chef, you know but… I can make something…"

"No." Another simple phrase that almost snatched away all of Ed's self control.

"You know as well as I do that if you make dinner you'll stay to wash up. Then you'll find something else to clean. Then it'll be too late to go back to your apartment. You'll stay the night and we both know you'll stay in my bed. Then you'll make breakfast, clean that up, and find another reason and another reason and another reason to stay. Eventually we'll end up right back here. It hurts, I know, but don't make it last any longer than it has to."

_ Wait for no one anymore._

"Does it hurt for you too," The words slipped by Ed lips without first going through the filter of his mind. Roy's silence almost made him cry out for something, anything.

"Of course it does," for the first time Roy almost lost control of his voice, "I told you that you were a big part of my life, Ed. You were the first… god the first of many things. The first man I ever dated. The first man – hell the first person I ever loved. You were the first one I really ever made love to. That's so massive…"

"How long," Ed asked in barley above a whisper. Roy shrugged, but Ed didn't see. He only heard the rise and fall of the cloth. He sighed and rested his head against the door.

_ Crying tender with your arms spread wide_

Ed didn't know when his breathing became so uneven, but it was a cruel mockery of something far better. He shut his eyes and pressed his face against the wood of the door, trying to keep himself under control. That seemed to be something of a chore. Don't cry. Don't cry, not here, not now. This house must never hold anything but love for you. He took a few deep breaths and missed the two or three foot steps behind him. He missed the hands on his shoulders. He missed the words spoken somewhere behind him.

_ Hold on cry not anymore_

Roy reached around and gently brushed a hand over Ed's eyes, drying the heated tears that had yet to fall from his eyes. The lingering feeling of his skin only sufficed to replace the previous moisture. Again, Roy knew that Ed needed another push, and so he gently placed a hand on the door knob that Ed could not bring himself to touch. Somehow, if he opened the door, it was like rejecting Roy. Something he would not… _could not_ do.

The door whispered open before him, revealing the chilly, bland, autumn world. The whole vastness of it made Ed physically ache. He pressed back into Roy gently, begging him, without a word, not to make him do this. Not to let him go.

"I won't come back," Ed lied in a whisper again. Roy nodded from above him.

"Good." Ed closed his eyes. He knew what Roy meant. He knew that it would be unhealthy to come around here anymore. He knew it would only cause him unnecessary pain. Roy was a good man. He'd never wish that kind of pain on anyone.

"Be brave, Edward Elric. This isn't the hardest thing you've ever been asked to do." This made Ed laugh darkly again.

"Comes damn close to burying my mother, actually."

_ I don't worry what dress you wear._

Hands on shoulders in the comforting way Roy normally did. Ed still stared out at the vacant world before him and sighed.

"Not even if I wear leather pants then, huh?" Roy laughed despite the situation.

"No, not even if you wear leather pants." Ed nodded, seeming to accept this, and then the words pour from his mouth, again without bothering with the filter of his mind. There was no malice, no anger. Only open, honest request.

_ It's all over now my dear_

"You know Roy… I was a lot of your firsts. You were my first everything." Put your lips like this, he'd say, and don't be so overzealous. Relax, let me take care of you, he'd whisper to him.

"Take… at least that, won't you?"

"Of course," Roy murmured gently.

_ Two shades of blue_

Roy's eyes always did have some very distinctive shades. They were always blue, darker, maybe, than anything else in the world. But they changed hues every now and again. He got a very unique shade of blue to his eyes whenever he revisited Ishbal in his mind. This was as similar as he could ever get to that color. It was that mutual sorrow and anguish that gave Ed the final push out the door.

Ed left without another word back at the man who still held every little bit of who he was as a man and a human being. Roy had tried his best to keep the pieces of Edward intact as he handed them back. But some things just couldn't be helped. Deep breaths and counted footsteps kept Ed's mind off of the burning in his eyes. He strained his ears for running footsteps behind him, a hand on his shoulder, a voice telling him that he'd made a mistake, that he belonged back in that house, with that man.

He heard only silence and night as he doubled over on himself. His fingertips soon bleed as she scrapped them along the concrete of the sidewalks, desperate for something to make him feel. Finally one ragged sob escaped his throat. It sounded odd in his ears, and for a moment he wondered what had made such a wretched sound, and that maybe the two of them could get together and wallow in their own misery.

Another sob followed another and Ed was still crouched on the ground as footsteps approached him from ahead. He didn't need to lift his head. He fell limply into the lithe form of his little brother and lay in his arms, crying without any sense of self or dignity.

Roy Mustang was his first everything. His first crush. His first date. His first kiss. His first love. His first lover. How would he _ever_ recover from that?

_Tangled up in you_


End file.
